Be a SUG (Stand Up Guy)

May 11, 2022

The following is meant to be a parody of an act worked up by an outfit called “Breaking Balls.” Ny guess is that a few readers will take it seriously, thereby proving that one of their best friends is a SUG, which is analogous to “Be a Man” in the same way that Homo sapiens and Neanderthals share congruent features, aspects, and talents.

Be a SUG (Stand Up Guy) — But Don’t Be a Toxic SUG.

Don’t like betting on something you weren’t coordinated enough to play in high school? Ask the bartender what beer tastes best to the average SUG.

When your best friend’s mother dies unexpectedly, don’t send a sympathy card purchased at a drug store. A text message less than 10 words long will do. Be a SUG.

Don’t know what a point spread is, but know how to calculate time and alcohol intake down to the ounce. You’re a SUG with a car that will never be impounded.

Want to prove your SUGness, but don’t want to be toxic about it? Quote imaginary liner notes from a Miles Davis album.

Can’t get a hard-on anymore? Don’t take Viagra. Let it droop. Be a SUG.

Memorize at least 5000 statistics in three different professional sports over the past century. Be a SUG.

Wake up at 2:00 a.m. on a workday to watch the quarter-finals of the World Cup, even though you don’t know what a penalty kick is. Be a SUG.

Bored with porn? Too poor to afford a hooker? Use your fantasy life. Be a SUG.

Make fun of your penis size, even though it’s perfectly average. Be a SUG.

Never been to Vegas? Don’t know how to play blackjack? Just lie. Be a SUG.

Don’t hesitate to make the same mistake five times in a single week because it makes a good story to bore your friends with. Be a SUG.

In a hurry because you left late and you’re behind a slow driver? Don’t use your rear-view mirror when changing lanes. Be a SUG.

Wear a tight t-shirt and rub one of your nipples to show your girl friend you think she’s sexy. Be a SUG.

Worried about your bank balance? Carry only enough cash to buy a six pack. Be a SUG.

When asked to watch a friend perform at a slam poetry contest, don’t say you need to work out at a kick-boxing gym. Instead, use him as a warm-up. Be a SUG.

When a neighbor asks if you have jumper cables, tell him they stopped working after your dominatrix returned from a Halloween party. Be a SUG.

Only use your rear view mirrors at night when there are no headlights behind you. Be a SUG.

Don’t let anyone ever call your bluff. Admit you’re faking it before you start pretending to be other than what you are. Be a pain-in-the-ass SUG.

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